REFLECTION

 I have been single for a little over a year now and my friendhsips have been ending too for little over a year, Lol, I worked on myself and my standards and what I really desire from a significant other and friends, this has been one of the hardest journeys, from making bad decisions, to not caring about who I share my body and myself with 

But through this I have come to a realization that the only reason I am in this position is because I believe I do not deserve to be loved, I don’t think I am deserving of all the princess treatment I see out there and hear that people receive, no matter how much I desire it but I don’t see myself actually receiving it 

For instance, I have had 5 sexual encounters, two I genuinely liked, 1 there was potential of me liking them, and the other 2 were just for fun, but the first three, I have gone above and beyond to show them I actually care, but they all treated me the same, received my goodness and my body and gave nothing in return, as sad as it sounds but these 3 man thought they were very clear with their intentions towards me but they only worded their intentions and never acted accordingly, gave me a safe space to share and gave me security and when they got bored they left, well the other two left, and now the one I’m currently busy with, see this one I see myself dating, his kind, logical, genuine well except regarding his feelings, he shares and is very open and I like the fact that he is always honest with me when it comes to my problems, but crazy thing is I know nothing would happen between us, I am not even his type, I am basically being used as a rebound willingly at that, cause he never lied and said otherwise, his been honest all the way and as much as he gives me forehead kisses, hugs me, and does nice gestures, I know he doesn’t like me like that, he lies to me once in a while though, tells me he enjoys my company, and that I’m beautiful and smart, and how much he enjoys sleeping with me, meanwhile at the back of my head I know very well he is only brushing my ego, he doesn’t mean those things, he is just saying them because he has to keep me around and he knows I want to hear them, especially coming from him, and I am literally on toes waiting for this one to end and for him to go, another week or two and this will be over. L
ol the sad thing about me writing this, is actually realizing how desperate and pathetic I am, settling for something that I keep imagining turning into a good thing, knowing very well I am being played, it is also just so sickening that most of my life has been like this, even when it comes to platonic relationships. 

The fear of loneliness has me on chokehold, that’s what I know to the point where I am settling for the bare minimum, I wish I had so much confidence and trust in myself to never settle for anything in this world, just because I am scared to be alone, I wish I could learn to stop compromising my feelings and what I want only because I want to keep people around me, I wish I could love myself as much as I love others, I wish I could be available for myself as much as I am for others and finally I wish I could deprive others of myself as much as I deprive myself of myself in order to make them happy. 

I genuinely wish others' opinions and views did not affect me as much as they do, I wish and pray for genuine love and happiness whether formed platonically or romantically, I pray and wish to have a safe space where I can freely and fully let my guard down and vulnerable without the fear of being made feel weak 

PS. I am tired of being strong